What just happened?!?!

I went to the hospital Sunday night because I had some chest pains for a few days.  I thought they would pass but they stayed.  I called my Cardiologist and they told me to go to the emergency room because it was new chest pains.  I waited in the er for over 6 hours just to be called back.  They did EKG and blood work and everything was fine.  Because it was chest pain they wanted to observe me overnight.  So I stayed.  They did another Echo on me and that came back good.  My EF went up.  It was at 15% but now is up at 20%.  Still too low, so they wanted to do an ICD.  Let me tell you I had a few breakdowns.  I had some visitors.  I had to be strong so they did not worry about me. They kept saying this was a minor procedure and everything would be fine.  I understand that but it is my heart.  You want to put wires into my heart? Come on.  I know it is the next step in my treatment but geez.  This was not supposed to happen until next month.  Anyways, after talking to many doctors and the guy who was gonna do the procedure, I decided to go ahead and do it.  They can't do it until Thursday.  Great, now I have to wait a few days in the hospital and be bored.  I know some people probably would love to stay alone for a few days.  Not me.  I wanted to be with my kids.  I needed to be home with my husband.  I have things to do.  But I wait. And wait.  Thursday came.  I am anxious.  Nervous.  Why can't I be normal and healthy.  What did I do wrong to deserve this health issue.  My husband was dropping the boys off at school and then was gonna come straight to the hospital so he could be there with me.  I was scheduled for 11am.  They came in at 8 telling me they were ready.  I need my husband.  I can't do this procedure without him at the hospital as my support.  I call him and he tells me to tell the doctor no.  So I told them that I needed to wait until John got there.  John walks into my room and I breakdown again.  Finally around 10:45 am they come in and get me for the procedure.  They wheel me down to the operating room.  They want to put me to sleep.  Wait?!  I'm supposed to just be sedated but still awake for this.  Why do they want to put me to sleep.  They told me that I was too nervous and they didn't want me moving at all so they wanted to put me to sleep.  I have never been put to sleep before.  I was scared.  Next thing I remember is I'm in the recovery area trying to wake up.  I'm in a lot of pain.  I thought I was dreaming.  Guess not.  Everything went well.  I'm home now.  I hurt.  I'm trying to get back to normal.  Taking care of my boys.  Doing housework.  Trying to rest in between doing everything.  I'm still sore.  I can't move my arm too much.  That is not fun.  But I guess it is all good just so that I can have this reassurance that if anything bad were to ever happen to me, this would be my backup.  I should probably name my shocker.  

This sucks

My kids have been on Christmas break for the last 2 weeks.  It has been kind of hard trying to keep up with them and with all the holiday get togethers and everything that needs to be done for the holidays.  I have really been getting tired quicker.  I have already had a few days where I just lay on the couch and have my kids all sit on my or in front of me and I just put on a movie or let them play the wii while I just lay there and try to rest.  I wish that I could keep up with them.  I wish that I can clean my house without getting so tired so quickly.  I wish I can run around the yard with my boys.  UGH.  Stupid disease.  It is not fun at all.  I want to be back to normal.  I do not want to have to deal with my New Normal.  It is not fair.  This sucks!